Sunday, 23 September 2018
Englishman in Dubrovnik Englishman in Dubrovnik

Want a future in Croatian politics – stop using a condom

By  Mark Thomas Apr 29, 2017

I have found the magic formula! An absolutely fool proof method that will win every time. It just can’t go wrong. If you want to win at politics then all you have to do is follow the system of the mafia - La Familia.

In these turbulent political times when a populous system brings as the dreaded Brexit, the terrible Trump, a shocking referendum in Turkey and the rise of ultra far-right Marine Le Pen gaining ground in France, do we really need more political shocks? And just when we were completely fed up with politics we have more elections closer to home. Yes, it is time for us to choose the politicians that will have their hands of the rudders for the next few years. Mayors and councillors...just a whole array of positions and seats up for grabs. And, to use a football theme, there is a crowd of people in the penalty box waiting to score.

We are being bombarded with new agendas, promises of unbelievable proportions and wild claims offering us untold riches. Most of us take all these declarations with a great deal of scepticism. However I have uncovered a way that you, yes you, can be voted into a political position without having any policies or without any hard work, in fact without any work at all. Unlike Trump you won’t have to spend millions of dollars and years on the campaign trail, you won’t have to campaign at all. And unlike more “normal” politicians you won’t have to spend time forming a party and controlling the leadership. And unlike independent politicians, such as Le Pen’s opponent Emmanuel Macron, you won’t have to construct elaborate policies and convoluted financial plans. The key is much simpler and it has its heart in basic maths.

I would be the first to admit that my level of maths is just above kindergarten so if I have worked out this formula it must be elementary. I am going to use Konavle as my example, but the same formula could apply to almost any smaller borough. Are you ready for the maths?

So in Konavle there are eight candidates although that could be stretched to ten, but I will work eight for this experiment. On those eight candidates lists are fourteen other people, so fifteen in total. The borough council of Konvale has fifteen places up for election. There are around 8,500 people living in the Konavle region of which around 6,500 are eligible to vote, the others being children. If there is a 70 percent turnout at the elections, which I agree is a little high, that would mean that around 4,500 people have voted. Are you following me so far?

So on a list that contains fifteen people you can pretty much guarantee that all the candidates’ family and friends will vote for him/her. A small family would probably mean that only ten to fifteen people would vote for you, which isn’t bad, but what if you had a huge family? A family, including all the mother-in-laws, father-in-laws, brother and sister-in-laws and so on and so on would swell your friendly voters to over thirty people.

Now what if you got fifteen candidates on your list that all had massive families, the size of your voters has just been increased fifteen times over.

So going to back to the Konavle example, if you had list with fifteen large families you could count on around 450 votes as a minimum. If, and it is a big if, there was a seventy percent turnout your list would still have 10 percent of the vote, “hey presto” you have enough to get a seat on the borough council. Without any campaigning, spending any money or making any policies you would have a seat in council.

Whilst all the other parties are wasting time thinking of agendas and begging for any kind of publicity so can sit back and relax safe in the knowledge that “La Familia” is supporting you. If you want more candidates and more seats of power in the future the answer is just as simple – make more babies. What you do when you get into power is up to you. You haven’t promised anything, so you won’t be breaking any promises. You haven’t got a “party” you have a “family” so you won’t have to follow any party rules. And there is no need to make tedious coalitions. For as Michael Corleone said in The Godfather “But don't ever take sides with anyone against the family. Ever!”

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