Thursday, 28 October 2021
Englishman in Dubrovnik Englishman in Dubrovnik

If the pandemic has made some people feel like being in prison, then being home alone must feel like solitary confinement

Written by  Mar 06, 2021

From Lost in New York to The Holiday Heist it is a movie franchise that has covered the generations and is as synonymous to Christmas as turkey or Silent Night! And the reason it is on so regularly is that they actually made five movies, Donald Trump (remember him) actually appeared in one of them. They might have made Lost in New York, but they never made the sequel “Lost in Župa!”

Home Alone, whether you love it or hate it you’ve all seen it. And this week I was the star of the latest movie Home Alone 6 – the Brašina Adventure!

Yes, my wife had a girl’s long weekend in the wilds around Plitvice and left me alone. Well not completely alone, I had a tortoise, two cats and an aging dog for company, so not the most eloquent conversationists. A hedonistic combination of Netflix, football, computer games and a pizza based diet was planned for my Brašina Adventure.

My wife waved goodbye with a list of things for me to remember, a “to do” list. I immediately lost the list. But guessed that one of the items was “try not to kill any of our pets.” I am not one who gets bored of my own company. I’m not a recluse, far from it, and am not planning to move to a deserted island, but acting Macaulay Culkin for a few days wasn’t too challenging.

Although, on the other hand, a successful marriage is built around team work, and I had only half the team. My Yin had lost its Yan.

I am pretty sure that if I lived alone I would suffer from gastroenteritis and diarrhoea on a weekly basis. Send a man to the shop to buy groceries and he’ll come back with a bag full of meat, crisps and fizzy drink. Indeed, in the first (and only) trip to Konzum saw a bag loaded down with half a dead cow, enough Haribo to re-sink the Titanic, every chocolate that Milka ever made and for some strange reason one fruit yogurt.

As I unloaded my bag I realised that the I had nothing actually grown in the ground or picked from a tree. If I wanted a balanced diet, then I’d have to eat čevapi with melon flavoured gummies. And I doubt my lonely strawberry yogurt would contain enough vitamins to reach my daily intake. In fact, the only thing green about my shopping was the Konzum bag it was packed it.

I hadn’t even bought toilet paper to deal with my future stomach issues. My kitchen cupboards now looked like my student days. Or as Kevin in Home Alone would say “Bless this highly nutritious microwavable macaroni and cheese dinner and the people who sold it on sale. Amen.”

And then there’s the boredom. Now being at home isn’t actually that tedious, let’s face it we’ve all pretty much had a year’s practise of being at home, but being home alone is an echoey place to be. My heart really goes out to all those people at home alone during this pandemic. If the pandemic has made some people feel like being in prison, then being home alone must feel like solitary confinement!

Already by day two I was talking to the dog. And as I said she is aging so her hearing isn’t what it used to be. Every now and again she’d raise her head as if to say “I can see your lips moving but don’t you know I’m almost deaf!” Maybe that’s why people buy parrots? Although she seemed to have the hearing of a bat whenever she heard me opening a can of Cesar.

By day three I was wondering what a tortoise could understand? Surprise, surprise, nothing. I even wondered if a tortoise could talk would it actually be in slow motion like in the cartoons. Was I going mad? Would I end up talking to the furniture? They say that women hold three corners of the home, which I probably agree with, and I have a feeling that the fourth corner is filled with junk food, a widescreen TV and unwashed washing.

“So Boba is coming home today,” shouted my neighbour with a grin as she heard the vacuum cleaner working overtime. The pattern of being home alone always follows the same routine of living like a slob for a few days and then madly running around like Mary Poppins in the last few hours cleaning the mess I’ve made.

So why break the habit of a lifetime this time. Home Alone - Brašina Adventure – The End!

The Voice of Dubrovnik

THE VOICE OF DUBROVNIK


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