Monday, 25 October 2021
Englishman in Dubrovnik Englishman in Dubrovnik

It’s true that a dog is a man’s best friend – but maybe not in the bedroom

Written by  Jan 09, 2021

Our world has recently been turned upside down with the arrival of a new puppy. Not, only our world but our laundry basket, our vegetable basket and our linen basket, yes, they have all been turned upside down by him as well.

It’s been a decade since we had a bouncy puppy in the house. And this one is as bouncy as a rubber ball on a trampoline. He reminds me of a mobile phone. To charge just add food. And when fully charged he’ll be mad for the next eight hours. But when his battery dies, so does he.

Of course, even though he isn’t a small dog, my wife loves him to sleep on the bed. We’ve spent many a night in a foetal position, or in some weird yoga pose, trying to make room for Toto. Of course him sleeping on the bed has certain obvious drawbacks, apart from the fact that we wake up with strained muscles.

Let’s just say trying to get intimate with Toto snoring is a little bit of a passion killer. Now our older dog has already learnt the lesson, she has that face of “Oh, no! Here they go again,” and jumps off the bed in search of peace and a good night’s sleep. Toto isn’t up to speed just yet; he didn’t get the “jump off the bed when they get really close” memo. To him it looks like a game, which probably isn’t much of a compliment of my love making abilities, and he can’t understand why we haven’t thrown him a ball or a plastic chicken yet.

“Just leave him, he’ll jump off the bed soon,” whispered my wife. Of course this sentence was followed by Toto licking my foot. Realising that Toto was too young to be seeing what he was seeing I coaxed him off the bed and onto his bed. I worked for exactly 8 seconds. And then a large paw landed on my back and two blinking eyes peered at me from the darkness with a look of “play with me now.” No amount of coaxing, yelling or promises of rewards could convince Toto to get off the bed.

So plan B. I carried him out of the bedroom and locked the door behind me. Plan B failed as soon as it had started. Yelps, barks and scratches at the door were all we could hear. No matter how loud we turned up Sade she still couldn’t drown out our puppy. Opening the door, he again made his way to his target, our bed. There we were both sat upright in bed, candles burning, wine glasses empty and with a curious puppy laying between us probably thinking “when will we start to play again.” We had to laugh.

Time for plan C! We changed rooms. Thinking that Toto was more connected to the bed than another room. It seemed to work. Sade was back on and fresh candles were lit, and no sign of Toto. Now on a previous trip to London I had invested in my love life – no not Viagra, but a present for my wife (or rather for me) from Victoria’s Secret.

This was lingerie with a capital L! If I had bought the wings as well she could have been stomping down the catwalk.

Now as you ladies know lingerie can be a minefield of straps, buckles and clips. There are probably fewer fastening contraptions on a straight-jacket. Just how you ladies know how to put half of these things on boggles me. And often for men actually getting into through the barricade of belts and buckles is an IQ test.

If they would have hung Harry Houdini over the Mississippi in lingerie and not padlocks and chains he would still be hanging there today. And then a shadow in the darkness, a silhouette in the candle light. Toto’s back! And this time he has his eye on what he thinks is a rope to pull. This particular “rope” was in fact a dangling piece of lingerie. Don’t ask me which piece, as already mentioned it’s a minefield.

So this is how we celebrated the New Year. Chasing a puppy with an expensive piece of underwear clamped between his jaws running at light speed around our living room. The harder we chased the faster he ran. He even did one of those shakes of the head, like he was killing a bird in his mouth, with the Victoria’s Secret underwear. Now there is a saying that whatever you do on the first day of the year you’ll be doing for the rest of the year. I have a feeling that saying will be spot on this year.

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